Today marked the first day of snow in Colorado. Yesterday was a beautiful 60 degrees and sunny and today we woke up to snow and 20 degrees. While we knew it was coming, it feels appropriate.
On October 1st, 2014 I lost my first baby at 10 weeks. Exactly 4 years and 1 week later, I lost what would have been our third baby, also for my 10 weeks ultrasound. Watching the snowfall I feel the heaviness of my emotions. Snow can fall lightly and gently almost like it is sprinkles in the air. The flakes can be so beautiful and everything is so quiet when it snows.
Snow like today surprises me. When I look outside my dining room window I can still see the yellow leaves on the trees from my neighbors yard, but I can’t see the familiar farm in the distance. Seeing far into the distance both in time and space, seem impossible. It is easy for me to make today’s weather an analogy for my emotions.
While I have tried skiing and snowboarding, it doesn’t feel enjoyable to me. I doubt the sole reason is because I fall on my ass while learning. For me, the truth is that I enjoy the solitude and quiet of snowshoeing more than the thrill of the slopes. So many people head to the resorts in winter, it is a nice reprieve to be snowshoeing among the naked trees.
I am looking at the snow on the ground. It turns hard, looks heavy and is exhausting to trudge through. While I am yearning for the adventure and movement of an activity like snowshoeing, the idea of going outside is not appealing. It is much more comfortable to sit inside and watch the weather happening than to be in it.
The same can be said for grief. It easily consumes us, and it is tempting to avoid it all. I have been flooded with thoughts of what’s next. Do we try again? Do we adopt as we had always wanted to do? Do we accept that we have one healthy daughter and that 3 is the right number for our family? All of the answers change as quickly as the weather changes in Colorado. One day it was sunny and 60 degrees and the next snowy, wet and 20.
In honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, please know you are not alone. The Go Adventure Mom (GAM) community is a space for adventure while being a mother and we also hold space for anyone that is a mother without a child at the moment. Please join our community.