Baby Girl Wish: To hold you
I’m 31 weeks today! Three weeks of bedrest down and another three to nine to go.
Last week I posted a quick Baby Girl Wish that I can hold her after she is delivered. But I didn’t do a very good job of explaining why.
But before I get into why I want to hold her, I need to share a little background about this blog. To be honest, the reason why I didn’t go into more depth is because it’s hard to talk about. However, I have been trying to be more genunie and honest on my blog.
When I first started writing the Danish Mama blog it was an outlet and I wanted to understand Word Press. But after attending the Casual Blogger Conference and the EVO Conference, I knew I wanted it to be more, so I started to write things that were a little more personal. I wanted to make a difference. So I started by making a list of things that were important to me: family, heritage and things that make me happy. That’s where I started and hence the tagline “a taste of Danish heritage, tradition and delights”. Then I started to write about things that fit into that area. I opened myself up. It was a little uncomfortable. It still is.
You see, it’s easy for me to share my thoughts on entrepreneurship, crafting, or share recipes. But for me to share something personal, something hard, something scary shows that I’m vulnerable. It shows that I’m real. So, this last week, I’ve been mustering up enough courage to share with you why I want to hold baby girl.
My dream: I have this great picture of me when I was born, snuggled in my mothers arms in the hospital bed. I’ve got thick black hair. Growing up, that picture became a statement of love and of the mother/child relationship. In my mind that’s the dream. Even while pregnant with my son I would picture the labor with my husband smiling down on me as the doctor announced “it’s a boy!” The nurse would hand me our plump little newborn baby and I would hold him and look down lovingly. Exhausted but happy. That would be the moment that we officially became parents.
My reality: My son was born January 16, 2008 – 6 weeks early. My water broke and we went to the hospital and delivered that night. I was pretty calm through the whole experience, mostly because we simply did not know any better. We knew that his lungs may not be developed and knew that there maybe complications.
The labor goes well and then I am taken to a delivery room right next to the NICU. It’s a big while room with a door that leads right into the NICU. In the hospital room we are surrounded by nurses. Everyone seems a little somber. The big moment arrives: our son is born! We only briefly get to glance at him for maybe 30 seconds as the doctor hands him to the NICU nurse. We see he is a big baby for being so early, but his head is severely cone shaped and he’s not crying or breathing. We don’t know much more than that. We don’t get to see him for hours.
When we do, he’s in isolet. We can’t hold him. We can just put our fingers on him and talk to him. Eventually around 10:30 that night, we do get to hold him. But he’s connnected to tubes and monitors. There is an audience of nurses. We are happy and love him from the beginning. He looks just like his dad.
That night, I slept in a hospital room without my baby. I would wake throughout the night to the cries of other babies that weren’t mine. I sobbed in the dark, jelouse of the mothers that got to have their babies in their room. Worried and wondering what was to become of our little boy.
t took us almost three weeks to get our son home. The nurses and staff were amazing. I still remember every single doctor and nurses name. He was in the best place and received wonderful care. But it was hard to see our son go through so much being so little. But when we did, we never let go of him. We held him and held him as he would sleep in our arms.
Our son is now a very big 3 year old. You’d never know he had started out life the way he did.
This experience has shaped my paradigm in which I see the world. It is not an experience I would wish on my worse enemy. So my wish for Baby Girl is that I will get to hold her, just not anytime soon :)