Baby Girl Wish: To hold you

I’m 31 weeks today! Three weeks of bedrest down and another three to nine to go.

Last week I posted a quick Baby Girl Wish that I can hold her after she is delivered. But I didn’t do a very good job of explaining why.

But before I get into why I want to hold her, I need to share a little background about this blog. To be honest, the reason why I didn’t go into more depth is because it’s hard to talk about. However, I have been trying to be more genunie and honest on my blog.

When I first started writing the Danish Mama blog it was an outlet and I wanted to understand Word Press. But after attending the Casual Blogger Conference and the EVO Conference, I knew I wanted it to be more, so I started to write things that were a little more personal. I wanted to make a difference. So I started by making a list of things that were important to me: family, heritage and things that make me happy. That’s where I started and hence the tagline “a taste of Danish heritage, tradition and delights”. Then I started to write about things that fit into that area. I opened myself up. It was a little uncomfortable. It still is.

You see, it’s easy for me to share my thoughts on entrepreneurship, crafting, or share recipes. But for me to share something personal, something hard, something scary shows that I’m vulnerable. It shows that I’m real. So, this last week, I’ve been mustering up enough courage to share with you why I want to hold baby girl.

My dream: I have this great picture of me when I was born, snuggled in my mothers arms in the hospital bed. I’ve got thick black hair. Growing up, that picture became a statement of love and of the mother/child relationship. In my mind that’s the dream. Even while pregnant with my son I would picture the labor with my husband smiling down on me as the doctor announced “it’s a boy!” The nurse would hand me our plump little newborn baby and I would hold him and look down lovingly. Exhausted but happy. That would be the moment that we officially became parents.

My reality: My son was born January 16, 2008 – 6 weeks early. My water broke and we went to the hospital and delivered that night. I was pretty calm through the whole experience, mostly because we simply did not know any better. We knew that his lungs may not be developed and knew that there maybe complications.

The labor goes well and then I am taken to a delivery room right next to the NICU. It’s a big while room with a door that leads right into the NICU. In the hospital room we are surrounded by nurses. Everyone seems a little somber. The big moment arrives: our son is born! We only briefly get to glance at him for maybe 30 seconds as the doctor hands him to the NICU nurse. We see he is a big baby for being so early, but his head is severely cone shaped and he’s not crying or breathing. We don’t know much more than that. We don’t get to see him for hours.

When we do, he’s in isolet. We can’t hold him. We can just put our fingers on him and talk to him. Eventually around 10:30 that night, we do get to hold him. But he’s connnected to tubes and monitors. There is an audience of nurses. We are happy and love him from the beginning. He looks just like his dad.

That night, I slept in a hospital room without my baby. I would wake throughout the night to the cries of other babies that weren’t mine. I sobbed in the dark, jelouse of the mothers that got to have their babies in their room. Worried and wondering what was to become of our little boy.

t took us almost three weeks to get our son home. The nurses and staff were amazing. I still remember every single doctor and nurses name. He was in the best place and received wonderful care. But it was hard to see our son go through so much being so little. But when we did, we never let go of him. We held him and held him as he would sleep in our arms.

Our son is now a very big 3 year old. You’d never know he had started out life the way he did.

This experience has shaped my paradigm in which I see the world. It is not an experience I would wish on my worse enemy. So my wish for Baby Girl is that I will get to hold her, just not anytime soon :)

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25 thoughts on “Baby Girl Wish: To hold you

  1. Oh Kathy, I hope you get to hold your baby too! You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.

  2. You know I just had a little bit of a taste of this, I couldn’t hold Abby for a full 24 hours after she was born. And then with Cameron she had such severe jaundice that I could barely hold her for quite a few weeks. So just a taste of it nothing too severe. But boy is it hard, your heart feels so empty and it really hurts. Doesn’t your whole body just ache like it almost hurts?

    So here is to you holding baby girl! And if you do have to wait a bit hopefully you can just smother her for weeks and weeks straight :)

  3. Yes, it goes totally against our nature to not hold and nurture our babies. That was when I realized my crazy mother instincts were working. I felt like a mother bear ready protect my little cub.

    Thanks for the support and for sharing your experience.

  4. Thank you Tauni, you are so sweet. I was actually hoping I could help you address wedding invitations, please?

  5. Oh my gosh, how adorable is your baby boy?!?! I bet he’s excited to be a big brother. You are doing a GREAT job on bedrest . . . I’m holding out for a full term girl for you! This post is a good reminder for mommas like me who always have to wait for our due dates (and beyond!) that babies are worth the wait and to be happy they don’t come early! *hugs*

  6. Thank you for sharing that Kathy. I also wish that you will be able to hold your sweet little girl.

  7. Kathy,

    I really appreciate your honesty. I have a firm belief that if more people, especially women, would be honest about what was REALLY going on, our world would be entirely different. I adore your transparency and admire your courage to let us see inside your heart. My thoughts and prayers continue to pour to you and your family. Thank you for sharing the real you with the world, we need it.

  8. I freaking love your heart, Kathy! Thank you for sharing this. I am praying that you get to hold that baby girl! And what sweet sweet pictures! Such a doll :)

  9. Pingback: It’s a Preemie Thing | Danish Mama
  10. …and you never want to stop holding them…
    “Love you forever, Like you for always, As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be!”
    And what a precious Baby Girl you were (and still are to me!)-truly a dream come true!

  11. Kathy, you actually had me in tears. I would say that was a pretty good way to open up. Your emotion is right on your page. Thank you for sharing. I will continue to pray that you get to hold your darling little girl. I love the picture of you and your mother!

  12. Kathy, you are one of the most amazing people I’ve met this year. I am so grateful for your true friendship. This post just made me love you even more. It’s really hard to write about the difficult things in life…I try to keep my blog upbeat despite my constant struggle with depression. But as I’ve opened up about the things I’ve struggled with this year, I’ve made even more devoted friends.

    I’m serious…I’m more than happy to bring something over for you when I’m in SLC. I’ve even break the Sabbath to bring you a large McD’s Diet Coke.

    You’re in my prayers.

  13. Wow Nicole, thank you. I am grateful our paths of crossed, too! I have made so many wonderful friends through blog conferences, social media club and twitter.

  14. That picture of you and your mom is so beautiful that led to such a beautiful story. I will keep you and your family in my prayers so that you get to hold that little baby girl of yours.

  15. Thank you for sharing this story. My 10yo was born at 35 weeks. She started out as a peanut and now she’s one of the tallest kids in her class, but I will never forget how scared we were that night.

    I can’t tell you how much I hope you’re wish comes true! I look forward to seeing that picture here.

  16. That was such a sweet post that your daughter will love reading when she is older. I wish your baby comes as close to full term as you can stand it and that she is so chubby and big you’ll be amazed! You’re almost there!!

    We can come and visit but I don’t know how much you’d actually appreciate me bringing my crazy over. ;o)

  17. I had c-sections with all three of my kiddos. The first one was an emergency so they wisked her away and I never got to do that whole thing either. I wish I would have been able to. :) Good luck for the last few weeks Kathy!

  18. What a sweet post. I had c-sections with all three of my kiddos. The first one was an emergency so they wisked her away and I never got to do that whole thing either. I wish I would have been able to. :) Good luck for the last few weeks Kathy!

  19. what a sweet post. during my 3rd pregnancy, my bedrest was spent on the couch. so i could be with my family. everytime i see that couch i think of those awful weeks of the back & forth to the doctors and the hospital. i hated bed rest but i tried to make the best of it.

    i hope the next few weeks go by fast for you & when you do have your baby girl, you can hold her & love on her right away.

    i am a pro at bedrest olympics if you want some tips ;)

  20. What a beautiful post! So glad your little one is healthy and happy now! And will now be a wonderful big brother (I’m sure!) COngratulations on your beautiful new addition. You’re amazing Kathy!

  21. Kathy, I am so happy for you. Adding a little girl makes your family complete. You will see how wonderful big brothers can be and your home will be filled with more love than you can imagine. I remember wondering if I would love the second child as much as I do the first, after all I loved my son more than anything. Where would I find that type of love for my new baby daughter. Well, it just appears and is absolutely wondrous.
    Congratulations and enjoy!

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