A few weeks ago I wrote a post about my wish to hold baby girl when she comes. It was a very therapeutic experience to write about and want to share another wish that I’ve been holding in my heart.
My dream: When we were expecting our son we had visions of the hospital experience and taking our baby home two days after delivering, like most families do.
My reality: When our son came at 34 weeks, we weren’t prepared for what was to come. We couldn’t take our son home from the hospital.
Our son was born in January 2008. It was freezing outside. I mean the kind of cold that gets to your bones. I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to leave the hospital without our baby boy.
It was a hard day. I was discharged. All day we spent in his “area” of the NICU and stayed late that night for his feeding. I just couldn’t leave him. That little boy laying in his NICU bed was ours and he was suppose to come home with us, not stay there. We bravely said, “Goodnight” to our little sweet heart and walked out the door with empty arms.
I have this strong picture of us in front of LDS Hospital at 10:30 at night, me in my big purple puff coat, hair pulled back in a bun with Jon’s arm around me and no baby to take home. We walked to the car, our old red Jeep. It was so freezing. I shivered and shivered and just could not regain warmth. We hadn’t even left the parking garage when my brave exterior gave out. The sobs started quiet but soon shook my body. I was starting to fall apart. But Jon stopped me. He had his arm around me and said, “Honey, our son is in the best possible place. He has the care of expert nurses and doctors there to care for him. He is in the best place possible for him right now.” That put things into perspective for me.
We drove home and when we arrived, our dog Banjo met us at the door. Something had shifted, something had changed. Our super Alpha dog could sense the change. As I walked into the super clean house, I was humbled by the love and care that had gone into “getting ready” for baby boy. Our family had cleaned the house, done our laundry and made our bed. I walked into the nursery and the little crib was all set up, linens had been purchased and it was perfect. It helped to picture us taking our baby boy home and placing him in that nursery.
The following morning, I went back to the hospital. We were able to “rent” the hospital room that I had stayed in for the duration of the time our son was in the hospital. It became my home away from home. But I didn’t have the heart to sleep there at night, I wanted to be home. As hard as it was to leave the hospital each night, it felt good to be home with my hubby and dog. It also helped to get sleep (though getting up to pump every three hours) and I couldn’t sleep at the hospital with all the babies crying. It was too much of a reminder that mine was down the hall in the NICU.
We did get to take our baby boy home, after a good couple of weeks. I realize that there are moms and dad’s out there that don’t ever get to take their babies home. That they get to spend their moments with their baby in the hospital, but never at home. So, please know that my wish to take my baby home from the hospital is not insensitive.
My wish for baby girl is to take her home.